Mindless Utterances

This is a brief diatribe on automatic, mindless phrases that people, at least here in The States, use in general speech and which really bug me. Overuse of inappropriate terms can dilute their meaning when used INTENTIONALLY.

The one I just got from my waitron here at Denny's is "NOT A PROBLEM". This has taken the place of "OK" which seems to me a lot easier to use. I'm sure she didn't mean to say that another order might have been a pain. "I asked for coffee, not tea. Can you get me some coffee, please?" "Not a problem, you picky bastard." I can understand its use when a service provider wants to emphasize the fact that your request is not only going to be handled, but gladly or cheerfully. "I need to get this shipped to NY by tomorrow; sorry I'm getting it to you so late." "Not a problem! We pride ourselves in handling last minute requests cheerfully."

Yesterday at the bank, I found myself trying to guess when the young lady would say ACTUALLY the next time. It doesn't mean "on the contrary" or "in fact" much of the time these days. It's just a mindless separator and I find myself sort of cringing (internally) each time I hear it. I actually don't like the fact that it wastes time getting to the point. I actually wish people wouldn't use it.

DEFINITELY has become something like ACTUALLY; it's an affirmation but with a kick. Someone on Home and Garden TV was going through a store and each time she'd look at a piece of furniture she'd say, "That's definitely a nice table". "I'm definitely a savvy shopper". I don't think that ONCE it was being used to emphasize that THIS item or THIS concept was "the one" or "a perfect example". Each item was "definitely" something or another. I definitely wish they'd actually stop using words like this over and over.

EXACTLY is another affirmation I've been hearing overused for years. It's actually, definitely, a word that just means "Yes" or "OK" most of the time rather than "just as you've described" or "I couldn't have put it better myself".

IF YOU COULD is a conditional statement made without a resolution phrase. IF you're going to provide a condition, THEN you need to say what the result of that condition's occurring will be. It was made popular (I'm sorry to say) in a funny movie called "Office Space". A stereotypical manager wanders around the office dropping in on his employees' cubicles with requests for tasks but he doesn't just say "Bob, I need the Smith report this afternoon" "The Smith report that I'm actually supposed to finish today and is essential to my job?" "Exactly" "Not a problem; I'll definitely have it done". The manager instead will say "Yeah. Ah, Bob, if you could get me the Smith report this afternoon, that'd be great". So now, I hear people, especially, it seems, on voicemail messages, just using the condition. For example: "Noam, if you could call me back at 555-1212. Thanks (beep)". "If you could hand me that shotgun over there? Thanks" It often seems to be said with the inflection of a question though it's not interrogatory.

Folks, I ain't perfect. I hate the fact that I throw in "uh" and "um" in lieu of damned SILENCE when my speech center is cogitating. But I do think we've learned to just filter thru noises like that; when the mindless noise is WORDS we have to listen to see if they're germane. I just wish everyone could hear themselves on tape (OK, on data) and think about what they're saying.